Cadet Kolby Atkinson is an 11th grade staff reporter. He’s been here since the 9th grade and, as far as he knows, he’s here to stay. Kolby is many things, some good, and some bad: a good friend, soon to be a big brother, and by far one of the worst drivers I’ve ever seen.
Kolby Atkinson is an… enlightening individual. Most people who know his name have a story to tell, like the time he got his pants ripped apart in the school parking lot. But, don’t worry, I promise I’ll get to that. However, it’s an important part of entertainment to save the best for last. Which is why Kolby is the first reporter I’m doing this on. Also because he almost killed me, not getting to that one though.
Kolby, at one time, was president of his nation in Major Curtis’ government class, New Detroit, where he was challenged to a duel by none other than Gunner Bastian, one of his citizens. And, considering how small of a target Gunner is, you can tell who won. But not only did Kolby lose, he lost so hard he ripped his pants open. Thankfully, school was over so he walked out into the safety of the parking lot, where he was ambushed and unceremoniously de-pantsed. Cadet Keaton Speier, one of the ambushers, took some of Kolby’s pants with him saying, to him, they meant “almost as much as the piece of his headlight I took when he hit my car.” And then the newly crowned Gunner Bastian had him executed in front of everyone.
One thing we (yes, we) love about Kolby, is how good of a driver he is. In fact, Kolby is such a good driver that, upon mentioning him, his good friend Alexandra Magdalena Skibiel (unsolicited) had this to say: “Sometimes I wait for Kolby to leave the parking lot before I do to make sure he doesn’t hit me. And sometimes when I see a black Dakota I think it’s Kolby so I pull over to let it pass. One time I was in the car with him and the entire body of the car scraped the road. He’s been pulled over in every city in the county. I don’t know how he got his license, someone should talk to the DMV guy that gave him his license. Sometimes he re-parks and nothing changes. The day Kolby’s license is suspended is the day I’m liberated”
But don’t worry! You don’t need to take her word for it, because I’ve seen it myself! Like, for instance, the time he was driving in front of me and went straight over a roundabout. Or when he accidentally parked on the curb. Speaking of, I think he really likes curbs, considering his truck drives on them more than it does the road.
What’s the moral of all this? Well, long story short, don’t be like Kolby, or do, because you’ll get your own article. But also don’t because you might die or get arrested, or maybe do since you’ll be awesome while you do it. Definitely don’t though because he’s already been pulled over, or do, since he got away with it.
